06 June 2017

Everything Wrong With The Mummy (1999)

With the new Tom Cruise Mummy movie hitting theaters, we figured it was finally time to go back to the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies and look for sins.

movie supports the fact that the ancient

Egyptians were skilled in the art of building great cities out of terrible CGI these city of the Living Thebes is a real ancient city in Egypt but it doesn't sit in the direct shadow of the pyramids of giza there was however a city in front of the pyramids it's called Giza also narration home of Imhotep keeper of the dead real-life Imhotep was a cool dude he was an innovative architect and made some important discoveries in medicine and revered as a God after his death but because of this movie the American public will only know him as the evil magic mummy with the giant mouth birthplace of anak suna moon a max una moon was a real person who was born around a thousand years after Imhotep if the movie is just gonna make up characters from scratch why does it have to be historically confusing by using real people's names this would be like a people thousands of years from now made a movie where Leonardo da Vinci was a witch doctor secretly in love with Princess Diana maybe this is why no other man was allowed to touch her it isn't a sex thing they just don't want anyone messing up her body paint yeah

Tommy Patton yeah for a body paint is smeared it must mean someone touched her it couldn't mean she brushed up against something or did it herself and oddly enough she doesn't even have that line ready Pharaoh confronts these two without bodyguards to resurrect the knocks on a moon Emo's death and this priest broke into her crypt and stole her body so Imhotep and his goons fled the crime scene without anyone suspecting he murdered the Pharaoh and stole his mistress from her crypt without anyone stopping him man security and Thebes are pretty sure moons Bruce Almighty an appearance back in 1290 BC why does she look nearly alive after having her organs removed and did they not mummify her knocks when a moon soul had come back from the dead but Pharaoh's bodyguards had followed it and stopped him before the ritual could be completed if he moat up in his buds didn't ceremoniously slow login with the book they could have completed this task before the guard showed up all of Imhotep priests were secured in these torture contraptions yet for some reason he needs to be held down by four people the key that unlocks Imhotep sarcophagus

also unlocks both books of death and light the Najah would never allow him to be released for he would arise a walking does a plague upon mankind and unholy flesh-eater with the strength of Ages even if they thought there was no way he'd get out my risk this couldn't they just torture and kill him normally without giving him a chance to come back as some kind of Superman well three thousand years for three thousand years this narration continued you just got promoted this is the French Foreign Legion and yet some American guy is second-in-command Rick is allowed to shoot of these horsemen with no cover and receives no return fire also a lot of the opposing side is using guns but Brendan Fraser Luck's out by getting all the ones who are swords only and we've cornered the person we've identified as the main character of this film so Pike God take your time shooting him basically all that this security system does is tell people they found the right place y'all wanna up the Lord nah let us below it could kill him now but let's make the desert decide this ritual Isis

in my librarian in the scene as soon as the ladder goes perpendicular to the ground the book EB was just holding magically disappears also Rachel Stiltskin knocking over bookshelves like their dominoes cliche this man uses sons of pharaohs and the plagues as expletives just to make triple Cherie you know we're in Egypt Jonathan enlisted the help from the sound designer to scare his sister also he decides to play this prank on his sister right after he hear what must have been a truly scary commotion coming from the other room when all the bookcases fell he shrugged that off decided nobody got hurt and then dreamed up this stupid more importantly have you no respect for the museum's assets and your sister's job my dish sweet baby sister expositional name calling this is the man that you said Jonathan steals an ancient artifact from for all he knows a random drunk and is able to quickly find him in a Cairo prison to ask him about where he found it the Cairo prison is arranged so inmates can punch visitors in the face and sexually harassed visitors from behind bars I will give you 100 pounds to save this man's life

this is almost the exact wrong time to begin the negotiations to save Rick's life unfortunately for the executioner Rick strengthened his neck muscles every day from the time he was four survived this hanging do you really think he's going to show off what they didn't ensure that he was going to go with them but just hoping he'll show up just as it's time to leave and when we got there all we found was sand and blood and that weird mummy face that appeared out of nowhere in the sand that might have been a marker of some sort probably warning people to stay away from it because it's the exact place you're looking forward all that's missing is this guy saying this here is my but kill some people on a steamboat hook without my glasses I can't see the doctor Kotik what he meant to say was my classes are going to be important to the plot later so I want to make sure you and the viewing audience know this these Americans are smart they pay me only half now half when I get them back the Kairos knows Wiley Americans with their sneaky schemes of only paying someone a deposit before they execute the services they were hired for so this time on my

school Ave you don't have to you can just take the money they've given you and Ron nealy expects me to believe Rick didn't notice anyone the scale the side of the boat and come over the railing even though he was standing just feet away dude somehow knows to go straight to Evie's room to look for the key even though there was no way for him to know who she even is yeah by the way why is there even a map to this place I know the ancient Egyptians wanted to make sure nobody dug the mummy up and the Magi are sworn to protect it but wouldn't they just know where it is and not need a map and why make a map to the police when the entire goal is for nobody to dig it up ever in the history of talk these candle flames blow around before the guy actually opens the window to cause the candle flames to blow around also once he opens this up he forgets how to shoot further reason as to why the protectors of the ancient city did not need to make a map ever what was this asshole doing the whole time is he the last resort just in case somebody tries to escape the boat luckily he was in the exact place he needed to be in order to do this that's

racist how are these guys able to round up all the horses during the boat fire and lead them all of the shore they lost all their stuff but they didn't lose their endless supply of money that allows them to buy new stuff he almost dresses in accordance to the local customs but still keeps her head and most of her face uncovered for maximum middle-eastern ease sexiness how many different angles of camels walking through sand do we need is it 8 shots yes it is the main responsibility of the mahjongg is to stand near the edge of this cliff and trot up to the edge of the cliff if they happen to see anyone according to Bembridge scholars that's where we'll find a secret compartment containing the golden book of amun-ra or a supposedly secret place there sure is a lot of information about it this may be the easiest archaeological mission in recorded history they walk right to this ancient undiscovered city they walk right up to the Anubis head which was still completely intact went into a crevasse on the ground and walked right up to the Mummy's tomb tombs that were originally constructed to be seen can sometimes

take months and maybe even years to find and these guys just walked up to one in a matter of days if the Magi don't want people disturbing mo tops grave they are doing a colossal EVP job according to these hieroglyphics so let's poke a giant hole in the ceiling causing potentially large and heavy objects to fall likely killing us Oh God blue gold what is this a Kay Jewelers also why wouldn't he assumed it was some other blue stones it's blue gold doesn't exist is it because he's an idiot and the movie also assumes we are idiots and cannot relate to any other stone that holds value he shall not be named all The Mummy flesh-eating scarab beetles make easy Mac sounds while moving through a person's body Evelyn please the pronoun game so Rick and Jonathan have to ask who the hell he is the Magi managed to kill no one of any importance to the story leave this place on its side you have one day one day you're giving them one day before and earlier in the movie they considered killing Rick just for knowing about this place so why are they cool with 30 people knowing also he couldn't have

just calmly told them this in the first place instead he shoots the place up first to build trust what is a place like me doing in a girl like this you kill all who open this chest and assimilate their organs and fluids it's almost like the ancient Egyptians who set all this up wanted someone to bring Imhotep back and bring about the end of the world they kept the body the organs and the black book all together like some kind of apocalypse blue apron delivery given that everyone knows about the acid salt incident from before why is anyone opening anything around here without the slightest bit of caution do you have to message death is only the beginning while being viciously consumed by flesh-eating scarab beetles he took the time to leave a note who cares about a book where the hell is the treasure right because no one would care pay a lot of money for an ancient book that predates all other books that supposedly brings people back to life dr. Allen is supposed to be one of the smart ones right is he still trying to open the oldest book in recorded history with brute force Gharib skeletons flesh

eaters these beetles were supposed to eat him alive they did a job he's still juicy for God's sake mess I bet buyer in Mattapan soupy case its way to a yacht with a yard only to happen if they hadn't opened the sarcophagus would the mummy still be able to Collazo a out man kind of unlucky two different teams open the exact two containers required to unleash a plague on the earth also it takes a full hour for this mummy to movie I know what I said this wall of grasshoppers know exactly who the unimportant characters in this movie are and go to town on them I guess with all the hullabaloo dr. Allen stole the book back from Evy to create this picturesque moment what is this crazy Holi with scooby-doo doors that allows the mummy to always be behind this guy this secret door leads Eevee to mr. Burnes who just lost his eyes this must be a relatively small underground - hmm but you can still enunciate sounds that require the use of a tongue I thought these beetles ate people very slowly so why is this dude immediately devoured you have unleashed a creature that we have feared for more than 3000

years well you don't know why we didn't destroy that map and kill you when we had the chance but we are an insanely stupid group of people sworn to protect something so dangerous what does he do to her we save him save them before the creature could finish his work excuse me what when were you down in that area to save him from anything a couple of minutes ago he was down here with Evelyn and the mummy lost interest in him when he saw Rachel Vice as one does then blast from the past earshot the mummy and immediately went into the next room where you assholes are now so when did you get the chance to save the dude with the glasses Imhotep takes so much time to kill Benny that he's able rolodex through all the main religions in their languages and ends on the one that convinces the mummy not to kill it also Benny wears a janitor keys style necklace containing the symbols of all the major world religions just in case his life is threatened by an otherworldly being who may be persuaded by one of those religions Imhotep literally pulls gold out of his

ass instead of just finding an exit like everyone else Imhotep finds a low ceiling in this cave to punch his hand through Prince emo tips thanks you for your hospitality doesn't immediately kill Barrens this is the supernatural equivalent of playing with your food mummy with untold power decides to reach deep down into his bag of magic tricks and push Rick really hard ex machina now because of you have you dude you failed because you failed the woman who arranged this mission was right under Terrance's goddamn nose and he let her lead with the map a key to Imhotep stoom and the Book of the Dead and our deaths idea of guarding the city is just looking at it while random armies come and go bedroom door can be nearly locks from the outside seeing as how Imhotep needs to kill Daniels and Henderson in order to rejuvenating this is kind of like protecting your cookie jar from cookie monster by enlisting two of your most delicious cookies to stand watch could have at least found a cap to hang out with them money could have killed him right here but let rather do the horror movie cliche Bowl

Imhotep isn't going to be sneaking up on anyone making supernatural swoopy sounds like that the director said let's have your character human like an apple all the way down to his core and in silhouette it'll make you look like even more of a silhouette II asshole look at I got this cat that showed up in the story only just now really turned out useful also for some reason they don't keep this cat with them from this point forward also it occurs to me that these people should be rounding up all the cats they can find and putting them in strategic places which reminds me they could have set up a whole cat colony around the mummies - and let a bunch of strays guard this lost city into eternity the majolica - provided them food and kitty litter and the world would be safe this works it is time to make you mine whatever all eternity even though EB makes it clear that she can understand what Imhotep is saying Benny still translates for him I'll be seeing you and don't you want to kill this guy for throwing a cat in your face like seriously all he has to do is kill Rick

right now and the movie is essentially over dr. Terrence wastes his martyrdom on these slow stupid zombies instead of just escaping with everyone else got a question if you can transform him into a sandstorm and travel that way why bother walking ever also traveling by sand twister is just as fast as traveling by biplane shooting at sand this plane crash only killed the pilot and the two men who were strapped to the wings survived without a scratch and worst Winston is the character equivalent of a unit Oscar he literally only existed to get them back to Hamunaptra and immediately upon that happening he dies and not only does he die he also gets pulled into the earth by quicksand almost as if he and the plane never existed also quicksand in the desert in this very spot unable to submerge an entire plane with the flick of a knife rick is able to burrow a determined beetle out of Jonathan's skin with little or no effort also Jonathan doesn't suffer from internal bleeding or hemorrhaging caused by this beetle burrowing through his arm and into his shoulder skin is not like a tight

fitting shirt shrunk over your muscles there's blood vessels and hotter young shadows this asshole woke up to be henchman just to kill people he could easily kill himself time is not of the essence here it's not like Imhotep is racing the clock sure these guys should totally be able to do the job but why go through any of the trouble shooting this mirror gets it to just the right angle to initiate the light mirror trick we saw the first time we were here did the ancient Egyptians actually bury people under their hidden treasure or are these dudes just popping up right here so our heroes will have a reason to start running again who decided where all these statue should go Anubis was on the surface level while Horus is stuck down here in the basement guess he was just waiting down here until the plot required him to exist kind of like Winston the pilot Rick falls into the trap of believing human skin can light a match and he's right okay so there's a book that can send Imhotep back to his undead state and that's totally fine but why would this book be hidden if the worst thing you fear is the mummy escaping is to shouldn't this book be

with the Magi at all times or destroyed first off I was Jonathan allowed to run crazily into this room without Rick second off it's pretty convenient for the book they needed was right next door to the place they needed to go next to stop the sacrifice he moved up is currently on some stairs watching this could easily be over right now but sure let's see if your henchman can do the job where these guys mummified in a standing ready for battle position like terracotta warriors without the hard outer shell I have trouble imagining why that's necessary or if it's even possible finish the inscription on the Kaaba idiots then you can control them and until then they work for a motet it's a seniority thing movie inspires 75% of the Pirates of the Caribbean series these mummies adhere to the henchman will fight one at a time rules so rigorously most of them are actually just standing and waiting their turn this is the second time the Mummy's girlfriend has experienced death by shadow I figure whatever attack him looked up is about to perform here he could have done it to everyone in this room and ended this about 45 minutes ago

he's an asshole not because he wants to rule the world and revive his dead girlfriend using Evelyn but because he wasted our time Imhotep of all people should know that he's mortal now so why does he approach Rick in the crew like he's still immortal he saw his soul get dragged away by Santa a minute ago so why is he being dumb about this he has another security system for this tomb and again I'm left wondering why it wasn't used in the first place way back when they buried him otep in this city underground the ancient Egyptians really fucked up this keep Imhotep buried for everything that stupid gold book was the whole reason any of this movie got started and will be decides to just throw it away at the last second because cue and seagulls this lowering ceiling doesn't know where it wants to be between these shots as if the movie wasn't readers a lost dark enough for you this movie gives us one final stab at it before the credits everywhere many turns and other doors just closing at the last second instead of already being closed which is what they would be due to the synchronicity

these three rode out here on an airplane and a sand tornado and no one else was in the city as far as we know so we're the that all these camels come from yes and the respect and gratitude of me and my people our dad forgot it was all their fault that Imhotep was revived in the first place Jimmy frogs flies locusts anything but you in the frozen land of NATO they were forced to eat Robins minstrels it's not fair to all there was time now there was was all the time I needed pay that me and his money [Music] oh what a night what a lovely day